Intimacy Avoidant Persons

The Avoidant Personality is a recognized personality type that is associated with avoidance of risk of intimacy in relationships. Such persons are basically in flight from life. 

The avoidant Personality will use manipulation and control to consolidate this flight.

These are people who control in order to remove the risk of living. Here are some examples of intimacy control in a relationship:

• One manifestation  of control is the control of appearances. Focus on the surface – on looking good. The more avoidant one is the more one focuses on appearances.
• If you have control of finances, then you avoid sharing these resources or any information with your partner. 
• Withholding information, and especially important and personal information, is a way of  avoiding intimacy.
• You might take the lead role in key relationships - overpowering and excluding the other. 
• Do not include the other in key decisions. Do not consult, talk or communicate. 
• Do not make clear requests. Avoiding saying please and thank you. 
• Just talk about other people, fiction, and other times – not here, now and relevant.

What  does the ‘Life Avoidant’ Personality look like?



The 'life-avoidant' personality is a prime candidate for a silent divorce. Here is more ways in which life avoidance shows up in a relationship:

• Focussed on nest-making (the comfortable womb-like cave) with soft weak colours (nothing bold) and windows with many curtains and sheers so as to be screened off from the world.
• Avoidance of exposure, public display even nakedness with one’s mate. 
• Avoid decisions, confrontations, new situations, creative challenges, travel. 
• Live a life at home, within the home, about the home and don’t venture far away from home. 
• Unwilling to venture in recreatione, in intimate communication, and in work.

Jesus comments on life-avoidance in the parable of the talentsIn Jesus parable about failure to risk (Matthew 25:24-30) the risk avoidant “wicked, lazy servant” ends up losing what they have. That worthless servant is thrown out into the darkness!
So, according to Jesus, it is inevitable that whoever buries his talent will lose what he thinks he has. Without trust (courage) there is no risk.  Without risk, there is no growth.  Without growth (movement forward), there is death!

How  this happens:
When the avoidant partner avoids all personal communication, adult consultation, playful interaction and all correction or negative feedback, then the other partner will be lonely and vulnerable for communication intimacy.

When the avoidant partner minimizes all kissing, hugging, caressing and being affectionately physical together then both partner will end up ‘touch’ starved.

When the conjugal sexual relationship does not develop into heart to heart bonding because of the avoidance of eye contact, stepping away from the afterglow period then a powerful opportunity to deepen the marital bond and feed and nurture one another’s spirits is missed.
When decisions are not shared together, requests are not made, discussion does not happen the life together must of necessity become life apart from one another.

Both of the partners begin to deaden within, the heart sickens, the spirit languishes, one lives with constant residual depression and a search for life outside of the marriage becomes as search for life, love at the emotional and spiritual level.  One strongly hungers and thirsts for that which will lift one spirits, heal one’s heart, rekindle one’s passion and bring the experience of community and intimacy to one’s soul.

By God’s design there is a powerful oneness created in sexual union, in cleaving to one’s wife, in becoming one with her.  But Jesus is right.  After years of neglect (the burial of the possibility by the one ine flight from life) even that powerful God-given oneness does die.