Christian Marriage Counselling Service Mississauga, Toronto, Oakville, Ontario
by George Hartwell M.Sc, registered psychotherapist and Christian counselor
To schedule a session with George phone or text (416) 939-0544
George's mission in
Christian marriage counselling is to build a united couple with enhanced marital intimacy and bonding.
In couple counselling sessions with George you will find:
- Couples Counseling whose objective is creating a couple that is more deeply connected and going through life as an effectve unit that cannot be divided.
- Couples therapy based on Sue Johnson's model of EFT - Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy.
- The sessions will focus on getting in touch with the feelings and issues of both parties at a deeper level and
- Learning to listen and acknowledge your partner's feelings and issues,
- Which will help you feel seen and not so alone and
- Which will enhance the couple bonding and
- conflict resolution
George's Christian Marriage counselling methods involves:
Focus on Listening Skills:
- Model listening to each person,
- Coach listening and acknowledging one's partner's feelings',
- Conflict resolution using listening skills,
- Healing of relationship traumas with heart-felt apologies.
Outcome of Christian Marriage Counseling:
- You feel understood, respected, seen and listened to,
- One feels less alone and depressed,
- Feel joy and security as one feels more connected, -
- Experience deeper couple bonding and operating as a team.
Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy
The framework of emotionally-focused couple therapy is attachment issues and bonding. Couples intuitively know that a good emotional connection is key to their relationship. This approach is fully compatible with biblical language such as 'cling to your wife.'
- Objective is enhanced couple bonding which results in the relationship being an emotionally safe place that nurtures the spirit.
- The process is outlined in Sue Johnson's book: "Hold Me Tight.'
- Therapist focuses on listening to and acknowledging feelings.
- Effective if both partners can listen to and acknowledge the feelings of the other.
In my mind individual therapy and couple therapy work together. The more an individual clarifies his own identity, cleans up trauma trigger points, becomes familiar with his feelings and deals with personal road-blocks to a happy marriage, the easier marriage and marriage counselling will be. (Same with her!)
I have identified several personality styles that can block full love and life-giving marriage relationship. It may takes many years and a broken marriage to get one to face these issues. There is a list of Christian marriage intimacy blockers under 'Inner Healing.'
One example is the Avoidant Personality which develops in infancy when mother is not present to provide safe and secure bonding for the infant. The result can be an escape from intimacy in marriage (and, perhaps, a flight from life.)
More: Avoidant Personality and Silent Divorce,
Obstacles to a Healthy Relationship
Ways that we destroy marital intimacy and create a silent divorce. There are many ways that one can limit the personal, the connection, the bonding, the love connection in a marriage and end up in a silent divorce. Here is what you do:
Among the many personality types that avoid intimacy. Avoid intimacy long enough and the trust, the love, the connection is broken and we up in silent divorce. For more information see: "Seven Types of Intimacy Avoiders - Which Group are You in?"
Twelve ways to Strengthen your Marriage Bond
There are many ways that a person can allow and encourage the personal connection, the bonding, and the love connection that God intends for the marriage relationship. God provided us with these tools but Je does not do the work for us. We tear apart what God put us together when we fail to do our part - when we ignore or avoid the mechanisms of intimacy.
If you are the partner who avoids most of them most of the time then you must take responsibility for putting asunder what God has intended to be together.
Do these things:
What creates the silent divorce?
Fear and the associated lack of trust is at the root of silent divorce. With fear and low trust goes a high need to be in control. Where control is high, love is low.
People without basic trust have a need to control others. Such people do not feel secure until they achieves full control of close relationships. And the more fear, the more one becomes controlling of other people and social interactions.
The more control the more love is destroyed. Love and control cannot exist together. in marriage when love is destroyed silent divorce ensues.
Here are seven examples of intimacy control in a relationship:
What does the ‘Life Avoidant’ Personality look like?There is a personality type that is associated with avoidance of risk. Such persons are basically in flight from life and use manipulation and control to consolidate this flight. Such people become very controlling in order to remove the risk of living. Maybe they are not good at 'self-soothing' - that is, they do not do a good job of controlling their own anxiety.
The 'life-avoidant' personality is a prime candidate for a silent divorce. Here is some ways that life avoidance shows up in a relationship:
Avoidance, Flight from Life and Jesus' Parable:
Jesus comments on life-avoidance in the parable of the talents. In this story about failure to risk (Matthew 25:24-30) the risk avoidant “wicked, lazy servant” ends up losing what they have. That worthless servant is thrown out into the darkness!
So, according to Jesus, it is inevitable that whoever buries his talent will lose what he thinks he has. Without trust (courage) there is no risk. Without risk, there is no growth. Without growth (movement forward), there is death!
How this happens in Practice:
1. When the avoidant partner avoids all personal communication, adult consultation, playful interaction and all correction or negative feedback, then the other partner will be lonely and vulnerable for communication intimacy.
2. When the avoidant partner minimizes all kissing, hugging, caressing and being affectionately physical together then both partner will end up ‘touch’ starved.
3. When the sexual relationship does not develop into heart to heart bonding because of the avoidance of eye contact, stepping away from the afterglow period then a powerful opportunity to deepen the marital bond and feed and nurture one another’s spirits is missed.
4. When decisions are not shared together, requests are not made, discussion does not happen the life together must of necessity become life apart from one another.
5. Both of the partners begin to deaden within, the heart sickens, the spirit languishes, one lives with constant residual depression and a search for life outside of the marriage becomes as search for life, love at the emotional and spiritual level. One strongly hungers and thirsts for that which will lift one spirits, heal one’s heart, rekindle one’s passion and bring the experience of community and intimacy to one’s soul. One is at risk for emotional or real adultery.
6. Death of the Union: By God’s design there is a powerful oneness created in sexual union, in cleaving to one’s wife, in becoming one with her. But Jesus is right. After years of neglect (the burial of the possibility by the one ine flight from life) even that powerful God-given oneness does die.
Sometimes couple sessions alternate with individual therapy sessions to:
- Avoid eye contact in sexual contact perhaps by always having the light out.
- Avoid the calming down together after sexual relations.
- In conversation, avoid topics that are close and personally relevant.
- Minimize connection by talking from distant rooms.
- If in the same room sit out of contact at a great distance from the other.
- Do not acknowledge or connect with the other’s feelings.
- Do not ask the other for anything.
- Don’t tell them when you are in difficulty and need support.
The life style that does all these things began with avoidant attachment in infancy. Bonding with an avoidant mother produces an avoidant child. For more about this see John and Paula Sandford on Flight from life in Transformation of the Inner Man. In Psychology this would be called the avoidant personality. with a high need for privacy, control of appearances and risk avoidance.
Among the many personality types that avoid intimacy. Avoid intimacy long enough and the trust, the love, the connection is broken and we up in silent divorce. For more information see: "Seven Types of Intimacy Avoiders - Which Group are You in?"
- Emotional immaturity - we have not matured to the point of being ready for adult intimacy.
- Emotional wounded - due to lack of love bonding in childhood we failed to gain the capacity for adult loving intimacy.
- The avoidant personality with a high need for privacy, control of appearances and risk avoidance. See John and Paula Sandford on Flight from life in Transformation of the Inner Man.
- Super-responsible - so busy caring for others and keeping order that intimacy is avoided (John and Paula Sandford: Parental Inversion).
- People Pleasing - our identity lost as we respond by doing what other's expect, being good, doing right, being nice (Performance Orientation).
- Dominating Personality - often fearing vulerability or being a victim (again) we dominate and overpower everyone and grab control.
- Deepening trust and loyalty issues - hypervigilant to possible threat, in deep need for total loyalty, we have the tendency to become isolated and paranoid.
Twelve ways to Strengthen your Marriage Bond
There are many ways that a person can allow and encourage the personal connection, the bonding, and the love connection that God intends for the marriage relationship. God provided us with these tools but Je does not do the work for us. We tear apart what God put us together when we fail to do our part - when we ignore or avoid the mechanisms of intimacy.
If you are the partner who avoids most of them most of the time then you must take responsibility for putting asunder what God has intended to be together.
Do these things:
- Make eye contact. Make eye contact when love-making.
- Allowing togetherness - the afterglow - the calming down together - which occurs naturally after love making.
- In conversation, allowing topics that are personal.
- In conversation, allowing some problem solving, some confronting of the things that produce negative feelings.
- Allow positive confrontation without abuse or name calling.
- In conversation, responding to or acknowledging each other.
- Develop some common recreation, sports, or other shared activities when that is enjoyed by both partners.
- Set aside time for the two of you each week - like a date night.
- Touching base with each other, i.e. a staying 'in touch' phone call. or text.
- Expression of affection through physical touch.
- Ask for help/ support when in grief, pain or difficulty and needing support.
- Consistent faithfulness: being there without overreacting emotionally.
What creates the silent divorce?
Fear and the associated lack of trust is at the root of silent divorce. With fear and low trust goes a high need to be in control. Where control is high, love is low.
People without basic trust have a need to control others. Such people do not feel secure until they achieves full control of close relationships. And the more fear, the more one becomes controlling of other people and social interactions.
The more control the more love is destroyed. Love and control cannot exist together. in marriage when love is destroyed silent divorce ensues.
Here are seven examples of intimacy control in a relationship:
- One manifestation of control is the control of appearances. Focus on the surface – on looking good. The more avoidant one is the more one focuses on appearances.
- If you have control of finances, then you avoid sharing these resources or any information with your partner.
- Withholding information, and especially important and personal information, is a way of avoiding intimacy.
- You might take the lead role in key relationships - overpowering and excluding the other.
- Do not include the other in key decisions. Do not consult, talk or communicate.
- Do not make clear requests. Avoiding saying please and thank you.
- Just talk about other people, fiction, and other times – not here, now and relevant.
What does the ‘Life Avoidant’ Personality look like?There is a personality type that is associated with avoidance of risk. Such persons are basically in flight from life and use manipulation and control to consolidate this flight. Such people become very controlling in order to remove the risk of living. Maybe they are not good at 'self-soothing' - that is, they do not do a good job of controlling their own anxiety.
The 'life-avoidant' personality is a prime candidate for a silent divorce. Here is some ways that life avoidance shows up in a relationship:
- Focussed on nest-making (the comfortable womb-like cave) with soft weak colours (nothing bold) and windows with many curtains and sheers so as to be screened off from the world.
- Avoidance of exposure, public display even nakedness with one’s mate.
- Avoids decisions, confrontations, new situations, creative challenges, travel.
- Live a life at home, within the home, about the home and don’t venture far away from home.
- Unwilling to venture in cottage life, in intimate communication, and in work.
Avoidance, Flight from Life and Jesus' Parable:
Jesus comments on life-avoidance in the parable of the talents. In this story about failure to risk (Matthew 25:24-30) the risk avoidant “wicked, lazy servant” ends up losing what they have. That worthless servant is thrown out into the darkness!
So, according to Jesus, it is inevitable that whoever buries his talent will lose what he thinks he has. Without trust (courage) there is no risk. Without risk, there is no growth. Without growth (movement forward), there is death!
How this happens in Practice:
1. When the avoidant partner avoids all personal communication, adult consultation, playful interaction and all correction or negative feedback, then the other partner will be lonely and vulnerable for communication intimacy.
2. When the avoidant partner minimizes all kissing, hugging, caressing and being affectionately physical together then both partner will end up ‘touch’ starved.
3. When the sexual relationship does not develop into heart to heart bonding because of the avoidance of eye contact, stepping away from the afterglow period then a powerful opportunity to deepen the marital bond and feed and nurture one another’s spirits is missed.
4. When decisions are not shared together, requests are not made, discussion does not happen the life together must of necessity become life apart from one another.
5. Both of the partners begin to deaden within, the heart sickens, the spirit languishes, one lives with constant residual depression and a search for life outside of the marriage becomes as search for life, love at the emotional and spiritual level. One strongly hungers and thirsts for that which will lift one spirits, heal one’s heart, rekindle one’s passion and bring the experience of community and intimacy to one’s soul. One is at risk for emotional or real adultery.
6. Death of the Union: By God’s design there is a powerful oneness created in sexual union, in cleaving to one’s wife, in becoming one with her. But Jesus is right. After years of neglect (the burial of the possibility by the one ine flight from life) even that powerful God-given oneness does die.
Sometimes couple sessions alternate with individual therapy sessions to:
- Deal with core beliefs
- Transform Identified personality patterns
- Heal traumatic experiences using memory reconsolidation and deep inner healing.
- Support authentic identity,
- Help one break out of anxiety and depression,
- Support addiction recovery
- Achieve lasting life transformation.