How to make a marriage Work
Expert Christian Marriage Counselling That Gets to the Root
Making your marriage work is not easy. It requires time, effort, courage—and a willingness to face the real issues that quietly create distance between partners.
If you are experiencing a loss of emotional connection, recurring conflict, or a sense that you are “living together but drifting apart,” you are not alone.
This page is written by George Hartwell, M.S., a Registered Psychotherapist with the Ontario College of Registered Psychotherapists (CRPO #006700) and a Christian Marriage Counsellor with over 40 years of practical experiencehelping couples move from alienation to communication and from brokenness to wholeness.
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Why Marriages Stop WorkingMost marriages do not fail because of lack of love.
They fail because connection erodes.
Over time, couples stop feeling seen, heard, valued, or emotionally safe. Small misunderstandings accumulate. Important conversations are avoided. Emotional distance quietly replaces intimacy.
When this happens, good intentions and effort alone are not enough.
Identifying the Blocks to Marital IntimacyWhen a marriage feels “stuck,” it is usually because of hidden obstacles—what I often call “dragons on your path.”These are dysfunctional personality patterns and unhealed emotional learning that block intimacy.
Common blocks include:
- Avoidant Personality Patterns and Silent Divorce
Emotional withdrawal that leads to living apart while still married - Codependency and People Pleasing
Where one partner loses their voice or identity to maintain peace - Past Traumas and Significant Memories
Unhealed experiences that drive anxiety, depression, reactivity, or shutdown
To make a marriage work, these blocks must be identified and healed, not managed around.
Beyond Short-Term Behavior Change
Many marriage programs focus on rules, techniques, or surface communication skills. These can help temporarily—but they rarely create lasting change.
My approach focuses on permanent change in emotional learning, not short-term behavior control.
Using methods such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Journey Work, we address:
- Core beliefs formed early in life
- Emotional reactions that override good intentions
- Attachment wounds that distort communication
Evidence-Based and Faith-Centered Tools We
Use
To help couples rebuild connection at the deepest level, I integrate professional psychology with a Christian framework.
Therapeutic Methods Include:
- Listening Prayer Therapy
A Christ-centered approach that integrates God’s love into healing and brings freedom from emotional and spiritual strongholds - EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
Using bilateral stimulation to heal significant memories and reduce symptoms of PTSD, panic, and emotional reactivity - Individual and Couple Sessions
I often recommend a combination so each partner feels heard and the relationship itself is repaired
Practical Foundations of a Marriage That Works.
While deep healing is essential, strong marriages also practice specific relational habits consistently.
Marriages that work tend to do the following:
- Show Appreciation
Express gratitude frequently--“Thank you” is one of the most powerful relationship builders. - Provide Attention
Being alert and responsive communicates value. When your partner speaks or shows you something, it is not about the object—it is about being seen. - Practice Focused Listening
Name and acknowledge feelings. Feelings come from the authentic self. Acknowledging them dissolves loneliness; ignoring them builds walls. - Encourage Rather Than Criticize
Encouragement fosters safety; criticism breeds defensiveness. - Communicate—Never Stonewall
Silence is the cruelest expression of anger. Stonewalling poisons intimacy. - Acknowledge Your Partner’s Thinking
Listen without defensiveness. Grant your partner the gift of being your audience. - Refuse Contempt
Contempt is one of the strongest predictors of marital breakdown.
Marriage Infidelity - Should you forgive someone who cheated on you?
Would you forgive someone who cheated on you? That question draws out several different observations.
3. Choosing to forgive on a mental level is something you can do. You choose to lay down your ways of getting revenge and choose to want the best for someone - consciously. You should absolutely forgive. By not forgiving, you choose to carry the resentment, anger, hate in your heart. This is a never ending spiral that only damages you and others. Forgive and move forward.
4. However, that still leaves another question. Can you forgive someone from your heart just by choosing to do so? No you cannot. Our will and conscious mind cannot overrule our heart (emotional brain.)
Forgiveness of the heart comes with time or with deep healing or as a gift of God. We cannot do that on our own. This may explain the value of good psychotherapy.
Often, there is another step. It is forgiving yourself for allowing this. That is another story.
- For example, can I, or should I trust someone who betrayed me? Trust is a different issue than forgiveness and cannot be rushed. It must be earned. Infidelity is the very worst type if betrayal there could be. Once it is committed, it cannot be undone. One cannot decide to trust again. It can take years to forge an honest trusting relationship. It can be broken in mere minutes and then it could take years to build it back again. There is a reason they say it’s better not to cheat - repairing a relationship takes a tremendous amount of time and effort.
3. Choosing to forgive on a mental level is something you can do. You choose to lay down your ways of getting revenge and choose to want the best for someone - consciously. You should absolutely forgive. By not forgiving, you choose to carry the resentment, anger, hate in your heart. This is a never ending spiral that only damages you and others. Forgive and move forward.
4. However, that still leaves another question. Can you forgive someone from your heart just by choosing to do so? No you cannot. Our will and conscious mind cannot overrule our heart (emotional brain.)
Forgiveness of the heart comes with time or with deep healing or as a gift of God. We cannot do that on our own. This may explain the value of good psychotherapy.
Often, there is another step. It is forgiving yourself for allowing this. That is another story.