Avoidant Personality Disorder and Silent Divorce: Christian marriage counselling
Avoidant Personality and Silent Divorce describe one of the most painful—and often invisible—marriage crises. Couples remain married in structure, faith, and appearance, yet live in a state of emotional alienation, loneliness, and unfulfilled promise.
This page is written by George Hartwell, M.S., a Registered Psychotherapist with the Ontario College of Registered Psychotherapists (CRPO #006700) and a Christian Marriage Counsellor with over 40 years of practical clinical experience helping couples heal avoidant personality patterns and restore emotional connection.
📞 Call or Text (416) 939-0544
The Deep Need for Connection in Christian MarriageWe marry for love, intimacy, affection, and secure emotional bonding. This need is not superficial—it is wired into the human heart. A marriage with secure bonding:
Identifying Avoidant Personality Patterns in MarriageAn avoidant personality pattern in marriage often looks quiet rather than dramatic. There may be little overt conflict, yet intimacy steadily disappears.
Common signs include:
These are not character flaws. They are dysfunctional personality patterns learned early and maintained unconsciously.
The Risk of Silent DivorceAvoidant personality patterns frequently lead to silent divorce.
Silent divorce is not separation—it is emotional abandonment within marriage. Couples live together, parent together, worship together, yet no longer share their inner world.
This state is marked by:
Why Avoidant Patterns DevelopAvoidance of intimacy usually forms very early in life.
Common contributors include:
This learning becomes automatic, unconscious, and deeply embedded.
Avoidant partners often do not realize they are avoiding love—they believe they are simply being careful, self-contained, or low-maintenance.
The Cost of Doing NothingAvoidant marriage patterns do not resolve on their own.
The cost of inaction often includes:
Healing Avoidant Personality and Silent DivorceLasting change requires more than communication tips. It requires healing the emotional brain where avoidance was learned.
Therapy Methods I Use
From Alienation to CommunicationWhen avoidant patterns are healed at the root, couples often experience:
About the TherapistThis work is provided by George Hartwell, M.S., a senior Christian Marriage Counsellor and Registered Psychotherapist.
Serving Clients In (Online Therapy)All sessions are online only, providing privacy and accessibility/ Contact is by Zoom, Phone, or FaceTime.
Serving:Toronto
Mississauga
Oakville, Ontario
Across Canada and the USA
Book Your Session NowIf emotional distance is quietly eroding your marriage, early intervention matters.
BOOK YOUR SESSION NOW📞 Call or Text (416) 939-0544
I
This page is written by George Hartwell, M.S., a Registered Psychotherapist with the Ontario College of Registered Psychotherapists (CRPO #006700) and a Christian Marriage Counsellor with over 40 years of practical clinical experience helping couples heal avoidant personality patterns and restore emotional connection.
📞 Call or Text (416) 939-0544
The Deep Need for Connection in Christian MarriageWe marry for love, intimacy, affection, and secure emotional bonding. This need is not superficial—it is wired into the human heart. A marriage with secure bonding:
- Feeds emotional and spiritual life
- Builds resilience and inner stability
- Supports physical health
- Blesses children and family systems
Identifying Avoidant Personality Patterns in MarriageAn avoidant personality pattern in marriage often looks quiet rather than dramatic. There may be little overt conflict, yet intimacy steadily disappears.
Common signs include:
- Avoidance of emotional closeness
- Difficulty expressing feelings or needs
- Withdrawal during conflict
- Preference for independence over interdependence
- A sense of being married to a stranger
These are not character flaws. They are dysfunctional personality patterns learned early and maintained unconsciously.
The Risk of Silent DivorceAvoidant personality patterns frequently lead to silent divorce.
Silent divorce is not separation—it is emotional abandonment within marriage. Couples live together, parent together, worship together, yet no longer share their inner world.
This state is marked by:
- Loss of emotional connection
- Alienation and loneliness
- Suppressed resentment or quiet despair
- Loss of hope for real intimacy
Why Avoidant Patterns DevelopAvoidance of intimacy usually forms very early in life.
Common contributors include:
- Childhood emotional neglect or inconsistent bonding
- Experiences of loss, rejection, or abandonment
- Early grief from death, divorce, war, or parental absence
- Environments where closeness felt unsafe or overwhelming
This learning becomes automatic, unconscious, and deeply embedded.
Avoidant partners often do not realize they are avoiding love—they believe they are simply being careful, self-contained, or low-maintenance.
The Cost of Doing NothingAvoidant marriage patterns do not resolve on their own.
The cost of inaction often includes:
- Rising emotional and physical stress
- Depression linked to blocked calling and joy
- Children affected by emotional distance
- Increased risk of affairs or pornography use
- Escalation toward painful separation or divorce
Healing Avoidant Personality and Silent DivorceLasting change requires more than communication tips. It requires healing the emotional brain where avoidance was learned.
Therapy Methods I Use
- Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
To move couples from alienation to communication and rebuild secure bonding - Listening Prayer Therapy
A Christ-centered approach to inner healing and freedom from emotional strongholds - EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
Using bilateral stimulation to heal past trauma and significant emotional memories
From Alienation to CommunicationWhen avoidant patterns are healed at the root, couples often experience:
- Increased emotional presence
- Renewed openness and vulnerability
- Safer, deeper communication
- Restoration of affection and intimacy
- Movement from brokenness to wholeness
About the TherapistThis work is provided by George Hartwell, M.S., a senior Christian Marriage Counsellor and Registered Psychotherapist.
- Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology, Department of Educational Psychology, University of Calgary
- 40+ years of experience in hospital, community, and private practice
- Recognized expertise in personality patterns, avoidant attachment, and silent divorce
- Faith-based psychotherapy grounded in professional clinical standards
Serving Clients In (Online Therapy)All sessions are online only, providing privacy and accessibility/ Contact is by Zoom, Phone, or FaceTime.
Serving:Toronto
Mississauga
Oakville, Ontario
Across Canada and the USA
Book Your Session NowIf emotional distance is quietly eroding your marriage, early intervention matters.
BOOK YOUR SESSION NOW📞 Call or Text (416) 939-0544
- Fee: $160 per 60-minute session
- Receipts may be submitted to insurance providers for reimbursement
- Payments accepted via e-transfer or PayPal
I
More about the Avodant Personality and Silent Divorce
This following is written by George Hartwell, M.S., a senior Christian Marriage Counsellor and Registered Psychotherapist.
The Avoidant Personality is a character that can choose to be married and can act, in some ways, as if they are married, but then their unconscious block to bonding kicks in. But one essential of marriage will be missing. That which is missing will undermine the couple's opportunity of developing the biblical 'one flesh' experience - the life-giving spiritual/emotional love connection that we call bonding.
Christians, pastors and theologians talk of the sexual relationship as the foundation of marriage. That is not it. The sexual relationship is sanctified and made holy by the love/bonding relationship.
When divorce looms, Christians, pastors and theologians focus on the marriage ceremony and the marriage vows as the foundation of marriage. Jesus said not to make vows, but suddenly vows become unbreakable. Yahweh in the Old Testament divorced Israel because Israel was not faithful. So no. Vows are not of the essence.
The bible will point to the 'one flesh' physical/emotional/spiritual connection as the core experience of marriage.
I know that there is a when a couple forges a united team together, they are winners. With that connection they can build a house that will withstand life's storms. Together they can and will overcome life's problems. Unity is the rock foundation to a solid marriage.
Unity is what God 'puts together' and we are not to put it asunder. God provides all the tools and gives healthy adults the capacity to put together a healthy married couple. We have a choice. We can work with the tools provided to put together a solidly united couple or we can be avoidant. We can hide. We can avoid. We can sabotage what God wants to put together. We can undermine the process of bonding and attachment and by doing so put asunder what God intended to put together.
The marriage ceremony, the marriage vows, the legal contract between a couple cannot force them to become married. A couple can be legally married and silently divorced. Avoidant behaviours will undermine the real marriage - the connection that lasts; the connection that provides life and love enough to nurture the partners, keep them healthy and help them to mature. In fact, to be honest, an avoidant relationship drains life from you. If we fully understood that we would be afraid of the life-sucking things that is pretending to be a marriage.
Does that mean that the couple with avoidant behaviours and who fail to develop a strong bond will tend to sicken and die? Yes, love keeps us alive.
Does that mean that the avoidant couple will be less successful in raising children who feel loved? Yes, love as secure bonding is the primary ingredient in a family that raises children with self-confidence, good social skills and who reach the highest levels of emotional maturity as adults.
Unless, of course, they choose to deal with the hurts around bonding that set up this internal block to bonding. Unless their partner is emotionally mature enough to guide toward love, life and marriage choices at the heart level.
Marriage provides adults with a place of emotional support, someone who listens to our feelings and is safe to share our life with. Through sex, eye contact, affectionate touch, good conversation, fun activities and shared life mission the two become a team that is bonded together, in sync, emotionally harmonized. A united team is a winning team and the bonded couple is able to confront life's problems together with confidence that their partnership will hold and equip them to handle things together.
they avoid, resist, negate and undermine the marriage process.
God equips us with the capacity to put this team together but it takes time together, faithful love, communication and behaviour. There must be good eye contact, authentic communication and skilled listening. This is not for self-centered children but for adults who are ready and able to be open, clear and loving. A marriage commitment implies being open and authentic and sharing one's personal feelings, making eye contact and allowing spiritual/emotional bonding.
If your partner is avoidant and you have the emotional intelligence (maturity) to love and encourage your partner, then you can encourage them to take the risks involved in living fully, growing, loving and discourage them from withdrawing from growth, life, and love.
Normally, the avoidant personality style - really resists love, growth, therapy or change. A wise man observed that they are in flight from life - afraid of life. They avoid all risk and opening up at the heart level is especially risky to them. They fear the risk and can be hostile at anyone that forces them to take a big risk even if it is important for their own health.
In silent divorce the avoidant partner has all the emotional stability and security they desire. They have the appearance without the reality, marriage status without intimacy. To outsiders this will look like a particularly orderly, peaceful and loving home. The marriage partners are simply companions who share a home and, at times, perfunctory sex.
For more of the characteristics of the Avoidant Personality see the Avoidant Personality and Silent Divorce.
Being very shy is not the same as being in the avoidant style. See this interchange with a man asking questions about his potential marriage partners. See: Shyness, avoidant personality, attachment style, intimacy
What does the Silent Divorce with the Avoidant Personality look like?
1. Avoidant in many levels of communication. Yes, the avoidant partner may avoid all personal communication but it goes beyond that They may avoid any adult consultation with their partner. They avoid correction or negative feedback. They avoid asking directly for what they need. Requests are not made. They may even hide serious medical issues from their mate. It seems there is no end to the ways they avoid communication with their partner.
2. The second point is the avoidance of physical affection and physical proximity. The avoidant partner may minimize all kissing, hugging, caressing and being affectionately physical together. This may choose to be sitting or standing across the room. My pet peeve is when they try talking from other rooms and partially out of earshot.
3. A sexual relationship where bonding is avoided. This is done by avoidance of eye contact,and by always stepping away from the afterglow period. The afterglow period is a powerful opportunity to deepen the marital bond and feed and nurture one another’s spirits. By God’s design there is a powerful oneness created in sexual union, in cleaving to one’s wife, in becoming one with her. However that is missed or avoided if there is always avoidance.
4. Lack of consultation and shared decision-making. Decisions are not shared together. , discussion does not happen the life together must of necessity become life apart from one another.
5. Life by rules. There is a tendency to guide their life run by rules. When corrected on a small point the life avoidant person may make a rule: "I will never do that again." This is something like living in a prison of 'inner vows.' A cage of unalterable rules is built over time. Life becomes very structured and rigid.
Living with Silent Divorce
1. The net result of the avoidance of communication is that the partners will be lonely. One feels alone even though married. 2. Both partners will end up ‘touch’ starved.
3. Their love banks go into negative.
4. One is vulnerable to and drawn toward other partners for intimacy, to pornography.
5. Both of the partners begin to deaden within, the heart sickens, the spirit languishes, and bodies sicken.
6. One lives with constant residual depression.
7. The search for life outside of the marriage becomes a desperate search for life, love and emotional and spiritual nurture.
One strongly hungers and thirsts for that which will lift one spirits, heal one’s heart, rekindle one’s passion and bring the experience of community and intimacy to one’s soul. This is natural and healthy but may tear apart the marriage.
Written by (c) George Hartwell (2018)
Is avoidant personality disorder the same as social anxiety?Answer by: George Hartwell, 40 + years working in mental health primarily as therapist in private practice.
The Avoidant Personality is easily distinguished from Social Anxiety. They are not the same. They are not on some continuum for less severe to more severe.
When you look in depth at social anxiety the person does not find comfort in people or being with people. It is not about being shy or unable to deal with people in social situations. It is that such situation create anxiety because people have never been a source of comfort. People are a source of anxiety.
That means that social anxiety is a learned avoidance response. Some of this learned anxiety can be dealt with using a simple fear desensitization program. I did this once with a teacher who approached me because I was using systematic desensitization for test anxiety with high school students. I used the systematic desensitization protocol for social anxiety with him and he liked the result.
The person with social anxiety feels anxiety around people and does not associate contact with people as calming. He or she feels better apart from people. The fantasy of the socially anxious is a cabin out alone in a wilderness place far away from anyone else.
The person with social anxiety may function fine in their present life but it is just very uncomfortable being them and being around people. They may avoid social situations that they should be part of and that may hinder them. I have hope that with fear desensitization and psychotherapy they can find greater comfort with loved ones and grow out of the social anxiety.
This is different from the avoidant personality whose avoidance is focused on preventing bonding, connection, intimacy with others including with one’s spouse. Non-intimate social contact is not an issue with the avoidant personality as it is for the one with social anxiety.
The avoidant Personality does not complain about anxiety around people or dream of getting away from people. They simply craft their social interaction so that they are never open or vulnerable to others. For example, they will not share anything to do with their feelings. Nor will they acknowledge other’s feelings. They have a way of participating in the world while living in deep detachment from it.
Every aspect of the avoidant's social interaction is modified by the avoidant personality so as to eliminate the risk of close personal interaction. This involves controlling appearances. In marriage it prevents intimacy. With friends it creates distance.
In some ways the avoidant personality shares traits with a psychopath. They both display a complete separation of social interaction - the persona - from the real inner person. Like the psychopath there is underlying hostility toward others who might expose them. They are completely desperate in their need to avoid exposure or vulnerability. Their hostility comes out when pushed into interaction. A ruthless interaction appears toward any spouse who upsets their sheltered life by suggesting separation or divorce.
In summary I would say the person with social anxiety may have treatable learned anxieties about social contact. These would be open to unlearning the fear responses. In contrast, the avoidant personality has a much deeper commitment to people avoidance that becomes rooted into their personality and identity and is expressed in avoidance of authentic communication - anything with the possibility of creating real connection, closeness and intimacy.
The avoidant will avoid authentic change or therapy because it risks breaking their shell and creating intimacy. When a courageous avoidant ventures into therapy it is the deeper issues around bonding and core beliefs around intimacy that need to be addressed.
=================
How does one recognize the avoidant personality disorder in yourself or others?
It is hard to know that you have an avoidant personality disorder. Each of us is used to life as we know it. Why would we think there is anything wrong?
However if one is given to self-observation you will notice that a lot of your life is based on fear of closeness. You do a lot of things to keep social distance and avoid intimate contact with others.
You may notice that you hate and avoid conflict. You may want to have your say but then do what you can to disappear so the other cannot respond. You disappear a lot. You also lie to avoid conflict or accountability.
You give solution answers to a person in trouble but do not empathize or respond to or acknowledge their feelings. You try to fix things rather but are not good at comforting the person.
When it comes to activities that go beyond your comfort zone you will tend to stay within your comfort zone rather than break out. You avoid risks in a lot of different areas.
Especially you avoid the risk of love. You avoid activities that could lead to personal communication, affection, bonding. That is the essential avoidance of the Avoidant Personality.
What others may notice in the avoidant personality is their refusal to give straight answers, to acknowledge people’s feelings, to make clear straight requests. It they pay attention they may notice that the avoidant lacks depth in conversation, they are always well dressed, their home perfect and planned hospitality extravagant. The avoidant avoids high risk situations in learning or play. On reflection you will realize that you do not really know the Avoidant Personality.
If observed and confronted you will find that the Avoidant person will go to great lengths to set the record straight.
If pressured into therapy, the Avoidant Personality may retreat to the position of 'What do you expect of me?' They may, in fact, make an effort to do those things that have been requested as if they have become the new rules. What they do not allow to surface in the therapy session is the issue of lack of intimacy, avoidance of communication and why there is no bonding.
This following is written by George Hartwell, M.S., a senior Christian Marriage Counsellor and Registered Psychotherapist.
- Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology, Department of Educational Psychology, University of Calgary
- 40+ years of experience in hospital, community, and private practice
- Recognized expertise in personality patterns, avoidant attachment, and silent divorce
- Faith-based psychotherapy grounded in professional clinical standards
The Avoidant Personality is a character that can choose to be married and can act, in some ways, as if they are married, but then their unconscious block to bonding kicks in. But one essential of marriage will be missing. That which is missing will undermine the couple's opportunity of developing the biblical 'one flesh' experience - the life-giving spiritual/emotional love connection that we call bonding.
Christians, pastors and theologians talk of the sexual relationship as the foundation of marriage. That is not it. The sexual relationship is sanctified and made holy by the love/bonding relationship.
When divorce looms, Christians, pastors and theologians focus on the marriage ceremony and the marriage vows as the foundation of marriage. Jesus said not to make vows, but suddenly vows become unbreakable. Yahweh in the Old Testament divorced Israel because Israel was not faithful. So no. Vows are not of the essence.
The bible will point to the 'one flesh' physical/emotional/spiritual connection as the core experience of marriage.
I know that there is a when a couple forges a united team together, they are winners. With that connection they can build a house that will withstand life's storms. Together they can and will overcome life's problems. Unity is the rock foundation to a solid marriage.
Unity is what God 'puts together' and we are not to put it asunder. God provides all the tools and gives healthy adults the capacity to put together a healthy married couple. We have a choice. We can work with the tools provided to put together a solidly united couple or we can be avoidant. We can hide. We can avoid. We can sabotage what God wants to put together. We can undermine the process of bonding and attachment and by doing so put asunder what God intended to put together.
The marriage ceremony, the marriage vows, the legal contract between a couple cannot force them to become married. A couple can be legally married and silently divorced. Avoidant behaviours will undermine the real marriage - the connection that lasts; the connection that provides life and love enough to nurture the partners, keep them healthy and help them to mature. In fact, to be honest, an avoidant relationship drains life from you. If we fully understood that we would be afraid of the life-sucking things that is pretending to be a marriage.
Does that mean that the couple with avoidant behaviours and who fail to develop a strong bond will tend to sicken and die? Yes, love keeps us alive.
Does that mean that the avoidant couple will be less successful in raising children who feel loved? Yes, love as secure bonding is the primary ingredient in a family that raises children with self-confidence, good social skills and who reach the highest levels of emotional maturity as adults.
Unless, of course, they choose to deal with the hurts around bonding that set up this internal block to bonding. Unless their partner is emotionally mature enough to guide toward love, life and marriage choices at the heart level.
Marriage provides adults with a place of emotional support, someone who listens to our feelings and is safe to share our life with. Through sex, eye contact, affectionate touch, good conversation, fun activities and shared life mission the two become a team that is bonded together, in sync, emotionally harmonized. A united team is a winning team and the bonded couple is able to confront life's problems together with confidence that their partnership will hold and equip them to handle things together.
they avoid, resist, negate and undermine the marriage process.
God equips us with the capacity to put this team together but it takes time together, faithful love, communication and behaviour. There must be good eye contact, authentic communication and skilled listening. This is not for self-centered children but for adults who are ready and able to be open, clear and loving. A marriage commitment implies being open and authentic and sharing one's personal feelings, making eye contact and allowing spiritual/emotional bonding.
If your partner is avoidant and you have the emotional intelligence (maturity) to love and encourage your partner, then you can encourage them to take the risks involved in living fully, growing, loving and discourage them from withdrawing from growth, life, and love.
Normally, the avoidant personality style - really resists love, growth, therapy or change. A wise man observed that they are in flight from life - afraid of life. They avoid all risk and opening up at the heart level is especially risky to them. They fear the risk and can be hostile at anyone that forces them to take a big risk even if it is important for their own health.
In silent divorce the avoidant partner has all the emotional stability and security they desire. They have the appearance without the reality, marriage status without intimacy. To outsiders this will look like a particularly orderly, peaceful and loving home. The marriage partners are simply companions who share a home and, at times, perfunctory sex.
For more of the characteristics of the Avoidant Personality see the Avoidant Personality and Silent Divorce.
Being very shy is not the same as being in the avoidant style. See this interchange with a man asking questions about his potential marriage partners. See: Shyness, avoidant personality, attachment style, intimacy
What does the Silent Divorce with the Avoidant Personality look like?
1. Avoidant in many levels of communication. Yes, the avoidant partner may avoid all personal communication but it goes beyond that They may avoid any adult consultation with their partner. They avoid correction or negative feedback. They avoid asking directly for what they need. Requests are not made. They may even hide serious medical issues from their mate. It seems there is no end to the ways they avoid communication with their partner.
2. The second point is the avoidance of physical affection and physical proximity. The avoidant partner may minimize all kissing, hugging, caressing and being affectionately physical together. This may choose to be sitting or standing across the room. My pet peeve is when they try talking from other rooms and partially out of earshot.
3. A sexual relationship where bonding is avoided. This is done by avoidance of eye contact,and by always stepping away from the afterglow period. The afterglow period is a powerful opportunity to deepen the marital bond and feed and nurture one another’s spirits. By God’s design there is a powerful oneness created in sexual union, in cleaving to one’s wife, in becoming one with her. However that is missed or avoided if there is always avoidance.
4. Lack of consultation and shared decision-making. Decisions are not shared together. , discussion does not happen the life together must of necessity become life apart from one another.
5. Life by rules. There is a tendency to guide their life run by rules. When corrected on a small point the life avoidant person may make a rule: "I will never do that again." This is something like living in a prison of 'inner vows.' A cage of unalterable rules is built over time. Life becomes very structured and rigid.
Living with Silent Divorce
1. The net result of the avoidance of communication is that the partners will be lonely. One feels alone even though married. 2. Both partners will end up ‘touch’ starved.
3. Their love banks go into negative.
4. One is vulnerable to and drawn toward other partners for intimacy, to pornography.
5. Both of the partners begin to deaden within, the heart sickens, the spirit languishes, and bodies sicken.
6. One lives with constant residual depression.
7. The search for life outside of the marriage becomes a desperate search for life, love and emotional and spiritual nurture.
One strongly hungers and thirsts for that which will lift one spirits, heal one’s heart, rekindle one’s passion and bring the experience of community and intimacy to one’s soul. This is natural and healthy but may tear apart the marriage.
Written by (c) George Hartwell (2018)
Is avoidant personality disorder the same as social anxiety?Answer by: George Hartwell, 40 + years working in mental health primarily as therapist in private practice.
The Avoidant Personality is easily distinguished from Social Anxiety. They are not the same. They are not on some continuum for less severe to more severe.
When you look in depth at social anxiety the person does not find comfort in people or being with people. It is not about being shy or unable to deal with people in social situations. It is that such situation create anxiety because people have never been a source of comfort. People are a source of anxiety.
That means that social anxiety is a learned avoidance response. Some of this learned anxiety can be dealt with using a simple fear desensitization program. I did this once with a teacher who approached me because I was using systematic desensitization for test anxiety with high school students. I used the systematic desensitization protocol for social anxiety with him and he liked the result.
The person with social anxiety feels anxiety around people and does not associate contact with people as calming. He or she feels better apart from people. The fantasy of the socially anxious is a cabin out alone in a wilderness place far away from anyone else.
The person with social anxiety may function fine in their present life but it is just very uncomfortable being them and being around people. They may avoid social situations that they should be part of and that may hinder them. I have hope that with fear desensitization and psychotherapy they can find greater comfort with loved ones and grow out of the social anxiety.
This is different from the avoidant personality whose avoidance is focused on preventing bonding, connection, intimacy with others including with one’s spouse. Non-intimate social contact is not an issue with the avoidant personality as it is for the one with social anxiety.
The avoidant Personality does not complain about anxiety around people or dream of getting away from people. They simply craft their social interaction so that they are never open or vulnerable to others. For example, they will not share anything to do with their feelings. Nor will they acknowledge other’s feelings. They have a way of participating in the world while living in deep detachment from it.
Every aspect of the avoidant's social interaction is modified by the avoidant personality so as to eliminate the risk of close personal interaction. This involves controlling appearances. In marriage it prevents intimacy. With friends it creates distance.
In some ways the avoidant personality shares traits with a psychopath. They both display a complete separation of social interaction - the persona - from the real inner person. Like the psychopath there is underlying hostility toward others who might expose them. They are completely desperate in their need to avoid exposure or vulnerability. Their hostility comes out when pushed into interaction. A ruthless interaction appears toward any spouse who upsets their sheltered life by suggesting separation or divorce.
In summary I would say the person with social anxiety may have treatable learned anxieties about social contact. These would be open to unlearning the fear responses. In contrast, the avoidant personality has a much deeper commitment to people avoidance that becomes rooted into their personality and identity and is expressed in avoidance of authentic communication - anything with the possibility of creating real connection, closeness and intimacy.
The avoidant will avoid authentic change or therapy because it risks breaking their shell and creating intimacy. When a courageous avoidant ventures into therapy it is the deeper issues around bonding and core beliefs around intimacy that need to be addressed.
=================
How does one recognize the avoidant personality disorder in yourself or others?
It is hard to know that you have an avoidant personality disorder. Each of us is used to life as we know it. Why would we think there is anything wrong?
However if one is given to self-observation you will notice that a lot of your life is based on fear of closeness. You do a lot of things to keep social distance and avoid intimate contact with others.
You may notice that you hate and avoid conflict. You may want to have your say but then do what you can to disappear so the other cannot respond. You disappear a lot. You also lie to avoid conflict or accountability.
You give solution answers to a person in trouble but do not empathize or respond to or acknowledge their feelings. You try to fix things rather but are not good at comforting the person.
When it comes to activities that go beyond your comfort zone you will tend to stay within your comfort zone rather than break out. You avoid risks in a lot of different areas.
Especially you avoid the risk of love. You avoid activities that could lead to personal communication, affection, bonding. That is the essential avoidance of the Avoidant Personality.
What others may notice in the avoidant personality is their refusal to give straight answers, to acknowledge people’s feelings, to make clear straight requests. It they pay attention they may notice that the avoidant lacks depth in conversation, they are always well dressed, their home perfect and planned hospitality extravagant. The avoidant avoids high risk situations in learning or play. On reflection you will realize that you do not really know the Avoidant Personality.
If observed and confronted you will find that the Avoidant person will go to great lengths to set the record straight.
If pressured into therapy, the Avoidant Personality may retreat to the position of 'What do you expect of me?' They may, in fact, make an effort to do those things that have been requested as if they have become the new rules. What they do not allow to surface in the therapy session is the issue of lack of intimacy, avoidance of communication and why there is no bonding.
My Personal Experience of an Avoidant-prone Marriage and Silent Divorce
I was married for 22 years to a woman who shared avoidant characteristics with my mom. I did not realize my wife was avoidant but I do know that I pressed her to have a real marriage with me. I did not understand the Avoidant Personality at that point.
At one point she said, ‘Do you want a divorce?’ My response was that I was waiting for us to have a marriage. It would take me a long time to understand why we did not have a marriage.
As a couple therapist, I have now had experience with couples where one partner is avoidant and the other feels starved for love and intimacy. I know a lot more about what the avoidant pattern does to a marriage.
It took a long time to understand that staying in a relationship with no real love and bonding was not good for my health (or hers). Life flows through the couple bond and heals and strengthens the human spirit. Love is nurture to the spirit. My spirit was starving and my body developed a disease that nearly killed me. She developed breast cancer. An Avoidant marriage is the kiss of death.
At first some bonding/attachment must have been there but it was minimal. There was a meager sense of oneness until near the end. Then one day even that little bond snapped. At this point any sense of connection that I had, ended. At the emotional level that was the day we divorced because the marital bonding that God put there broke. We had not nurtured it.
Even at that point I did not consider divorce because of the Christian doctrine on marriage. But i needed to get out. Meantime, in God's grace, a new relationship began to develop outside of the marriage. It took a lot of self-confidence to step out of the dead marriage toward a living relationship but that is what I did.
The cause of the divorce? Failure to nurture the marital bond.
Don’t feed your pet bird and it will die. Don’t water indoor plants and they will die. Consistently avoid any communication, affection or connection that would deepen the marital bond and your marriage will die. Sadly, ours did.
I was married for 22 years to a woman who shared avoidant characteristics with my mom. I did not realize my wife was avoidant but I do know that I pressed her to have a real marriage with me. I did not understand the Avoidant Personality at that point.
At one point she said, ‘Do you want a divorce?’ My response was that I was waiting for us to have a marriage. It would take me a long time to understand why we did not have a marriage.
As a couple therapist, I have now had experience with couples where one partner is avoidant and the other feels starved for love and intimacy. I know a lot more about what the avoidant pattern does to a marriage.
It took a long time to understand that staying in a relationship with no real love and bonding was not good for my health (or hers). Life flows through the couple bond and heals and strengthens the human spirit. Love is nurture to the spirit. My spirit was starving and my body developed a disease that nearly killed me. She developed breast cancer. An Avoidant marriage is the kiss of death.
At first some bonding/attachment must have been there but it was minimal. There was a meager sense of oneness until near the end. Then one day even that little bond snapped. At this point any sense of connection that I had, ended. At the emotional level that was the day we divorced because the marital bonding that God put there broke. We had not nurtured it.
Even at that point I did not consider divorce because of the Christian doctrine on marriage. But i needed to get out. Meantime, in God's grace, a new relationship began to develop outside of the marriage. It took a lot of self-confidence to step out of the dead marriage toward a living relationship but that is what I did.
The cause of the divorce? Failure to nurture the marital bond.
Don’t feed your pet bird and it will die. Don’t water indoor plants and they will die. Consistently avoid any communication, affection or connection that would deepen the marital bond and your marriage will die. Sadly, ours did.