How does you being a People Pleaser hurt your Marriage?
by George Hartwell M.Sc, registered psychotherapist and Christian counselor
To schedule a session with George phone or text (416) 939-0544
Being a People Pleaser does hurt a marriage, in fact, it can destroy a marriage.
Can People Pleasers Change?
I was a People-Pleaser and I am still in the process of recovery.
People-Pleasers can’t just change themselves because they want to or decide to change because it is a personality type formed in early childhood. The experiences of childhood, the core beliefs associated with childhood memories and the feelings generated by the core beliefs don’t just disappear because you want to change.
Self-change is nearly completely ineffective against deeply rooted personality patterns. One can make changes for a period of time but when you let up the old patterns will be back.
It is not about thinking of yourself first. It is a matter of identity. The People Pleaser is meetings the expectations of others as a long-standing identity pattern from childhood. You need to get to the root of the pattern; let go of the old self and grow into something new. It will take time.
Changing one’s identity is a total transformation. It is like going from caterpillar to butterfly. If you want to do that on your own you need to find a method that works. It is more hopeful if you find a therapist who is an expert in one or more of the methods that facilitate life transformation.
There are a variety of options among effective methods: EMDR. Coherence Therapy, Listening Prayer Inner Healing, The Journey and others. These are just the ones that I have familiarity with. A more complete list is provided by Bruce Ecker on page 5 of Unlocking the Emotional Brain.
I did not identify the pattern and the hold it has on my life until I was at a training in Christian prayer therapy lead by John and Paula Sandford. When they described the pattern they call Performance Orientation, I immediately recognized its application to my life. Prayers that I asked for at the conference got a fundamental transformation process going in my life.
After this, I looked to God and drew from within for my identity and was not always focused on what others expected. However getting in touch with my feelings, needs, likes, thoughts, and passion is what has taken years of recovery.
People-Pleasers can’t just change themselves because they want to or decide to change because it is a personality type formed in early childhood. The experiences of childhood, the core beliefs associated with childhood memories and the feelings generated by the core beliefs don’t just disappear because you want to change.
Self-change is nearly completely ineffective against deeply rooted personality patterns. One can make changes for a period of time but when you let up the old patterns will be back.
It is not about thinking of yourself first. It is a matter of identity. The People Pleaser is meetings the expectations of others as a long-standing identity pattern from childhood. You need to get to the root of the pattern; let go of the old self and grow into something new. It will take time.
Changing one’s identity is a total transformation. It is like going from caterpillar to butterfly. If you want to do that on your own you need to find a method that works. It is more hopeful if you find a therapist who is an expert in one or more of the methods that facilitate life transformation.
There are a variety of options among effective methods: EMDR. Coherence Therapy, Listening Prayer Inner Healing, The Journey and others. These are just the ones that I have familiarity with. A more complete list is provided by Bruce Ecker on page 5 of Unlocking the Emotional Brain.
I did not identify the pattern and the hold it has on my life until I was at a training in Christian prayer therapy lead by John and Paula Sandford. When they described the pattern they call Performance Orientation, I immediately recognized its application to my life. Prayers that I asked for at the conference got a fundamental transformation process going in my life.
After this, I looked to God and drew from within for my identity and was not always focused on what others expected. However getting in touch with my feelings, needs, likes, thoughts, and passion is what has taken years of recovery.
Are codependency and people pleasing the same?
Are codependency and people pleasing the same? No, they are not. Someone is usually one or the other. Even though there are times when one person displays some of the attitudes of both codependency and people pleasing.
Codependency and people pleasing are not the same in their primary drive and motivation. I view the codependent as one manifestation of a larger category of of persons that I label Super-Responsible. The Super-Responsible comes out of family system in childhood where there was Parental Inversion.
The codependent is defined as one person in a family system involving an addict, especially an alcoholic. In such a system the codependent acts as the responsible adult (Parent) to the addict who is acting like the dependent child.
However the ‘codependent’ may be found in other settings not involving an addict. In whatever the setting the codependent is in the role of either a Rescuer or a Caretaker or both. As a Rescuer/Caretaker they are involved with a person who needs rescuing/caretaking and their role is to ‘Rescue’ the person or provide for their care.
The following is generally true of the Codependent (and all others in the class of Super-Responsible):
The child choses this method in childhood in order to obtain the needed love. It looks like the child tried to earn love. It seems like the child sacrifices authentic childhood to be the ‘good boy’ or ‘good girl.’ This how they learned to be people pleasers.
People Pleasers were children who believed it was their fault that they did not receive enough nurture. Therefore, as adults, unconsciously, they still believe there is something wrong with them. They may believe that they are unloveable.
At the most extreme are people pleasers who live in shame and believe they do not have the right to be alive, to be seen, to have a voice, to take up space.
If not recognized and corrected, People Pleasers may lose track of their own identity. Their personality becomes totally focused on doing what is right. They will shift their personality to suit the person or group they are with - a cause of stress.
When People Pleasers become lost within, then they have no identity to meet their love partners. This means they are not very good at deep love relationships. This frustrates their love partners and leaves them feeling lonely.
In summary the codependent came out of family that lacks order and the child takes on the mission to fix the family and provide order. They do that by neglecting their own needs and focusing on caring for or rescuing others. They are over responsible.
In an addictive system, the addict is the dependent and the the codependent is the one who takes care of the addict - their spouse or partner. The codependent is NOT dependent on the addict. Just the opposite. The codependent is on a mission to ‘save the world’ one person at a time. This makes sense to them because it has been their life. They are good at creating order, taking care of people and, as an unintentional side-effect they may ‘support’ the addict in their addiction.
The People Please came from a family where they felt neglected. They lacked security in love and healthy mother-child and father-child attachment. They end up striving to be loved and blaming themselves for their supposed lacks.
Codependency and people pleasing are not the same in their primary drive and motivation. I view the codependent as one manifestation of a larger category of of persons that I label Super-Responsible. The Super-Responsible comes out of family system in childhood where there was Parental Inversion.
The codependent is defined as one person in a family system involving an addict, especially an alcoholic. In such a system the codependent acts as the responsible adult (Parent) to the addict who is acting like the dependent child.
However the ‘codependent’ may be found in other settings not involving an addict. In whatever the setting the codependent is in the role of either a Rescuer or a Caretaker or both. As a Rescuer/Caretaker they are involved with a person who needs rescuing/caretaking and their role is to ‘Rescue’ the person or provide for their care.
The following is generally true of the Codependent (and all others in the class of Super-Responsible):
- In childhood their parents did not provide safety, security, peace and order and this lack effected the child who will grow into the Caretaker/Rescuer/Super-Responsible person.
- This person takes their responsibilities in life very seriously and their friends will observe they are too serious and as children they act like little adults.
- If anything goes wrong they assume it is their fault, or their responsibility to fix. If any work needs to be done they will assume they need to be the ones to do it and they will take on disproportionate share of work. the result is not good for team work.
- They have trouble with self-care and this is their Achilles Heel. They neglect themselves.
- They are self-critical especially along the lines of being too selfish, too immature, too childish. They live quietly with a huge load of self-criticism.
The child choses this method in childhood in order to obtain the needed love. It looks like the child tried to earn love. It seems like the child sacrifices authentic childhood to be the ‘good boy’ or ‘good girl.’ This how they learned to be people pleasers.
People Pleasers were children who believed it was their fault that they did not receive enough nurture. Therefore, as adults, unconsciously, they still believe there is something wrong with them. They may believe that they are unloveable.
At the most extreme are people pleasers who live in shame and believe they do not have the right to be alive, to be seen, to have a voice, to take up space.
If not recognized and corrected, People Pleasers may lose track of their own identity. Their personality becomes totally focused on doing what is right. They will shift their personality to suit the person or group they are with - a cause of stress.
When People Pleasers become lost within, then they have no identity to meet their love partners. This means they are not very good at deep love relationships. This frustrates their love partners and leaves them feeling lonely.
In summary the codependent came out of family that lacks order and the child takes on the mission to fix the family and provide order. They do that by neglecting their own needs and focusing on caring for or rescuing others. They are over responsible.
In an addictive system, the addict is the dependent and the the codependent is the one who takes care of the addict - their spouse or partner. The codependent is NOT dependent on the addict. Just the opposite. The codependent is on a mission to ‘save the world’ one person at a time. This makes sense to them because it has been their life. They are good at creating order, taking care of people and, as an unintentional side-effect they may ‘support’ the addict in their addiction.
The People Please came from a family where they felt neglected. They lacked security in love and healthy mother-child and father-child attachment. They end up striving to be loved and blaming themselves for their supposed lacks.