Shame Issues

Shame Issues
Copy-write George Hartwell, 2017


What is a Shame Issue?
Shame as an issue refers to a weak sense of identity, a weakened fundamental right to be oneself. There is little ability to express one’s opinions and expect to be understood. There is stress about one’s right to be given a place in family or social group. There is a lack confidence in oneself and low self-esteem.

A family or church overcomes this by giving each person a place where they can express themselves, be acknowledged and understood. A counsellor helps this by skilled and empathic listening. A marriage where one’s thoughts are listened to and one’s feelings are acknowledged helps overcome this.

A person with a weak sense of identity needs a counsellor who does not overpower, control, convert or ‘fix’ someone in a way they have not chosen. Such a counsellor is gentle rather than overpowering; listens well and sensitively and consistently provides a safe place to express oneself without judgment.

Provide a place where a person can find, formulate their own opinions, find their strengths, discover their calling and clarify their identity and they will begin to find their voice, their identity, their right to be.

On the way to finding one’s identity one may have periods of confusion, with anxiety and depression and increased uncertainty.  It can feels so uncomfortable that if feels like one is having a ‘nervous breakdown.’ But there is such a thing as a positive nervous breakdown where old character patterns disintegrate so the newer identity can emerge.

During such periods it seems that one is in a transition out of a previous identity into a new one. The old role, or persona, worked for awhile but it got old. The new has not yet arrived. The result is confusion and anxiety. This will pass as a new identity becomes clear, as you practice it and become comfortable with the new you. A counsellor who understands these processes is a great comfort and help.

An example of a personality that can become old and fall away is the nice guy, good guy or people pleaser. Each pattern is based on foundational core beliefs. The PeoplePleaser’s inner core perspective is that love is conditional. Therefore, one must do the right things to earn it.


Because the People Pleaser does not express his or her own personality but adapts to what people want or expect, it may reflect inner feelings of shame. The People Pleaser avoids expressing himself or herself and puts the focus on pleasing others.

People Pleasing can leave one in a state of depression. It is triggered by beliefs such as: I have done something wrong, I am bad, None one really loves me, and I am unloveable. These beliefs are depressing and painful.

These beliefs are triggered by criticism and failures. Of course one becomes defensive. It hurts so much to think like this.

In individual therapy such beliefs must be brought to the surface. When core beliefs come to the surface and the feelings and perhaps memories they are connected to, change is possible. With skilled professional prayer therapy or with skilled psychotherapy the emotional brain will edit the core belief. This process will help old patterns of behaviour and personality to fall away. One is never the same once these core beliefs are permanently modified.